Well, I got my wish...I now know how to cry.

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from being made of gold
I don't know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no

Just like when you were leaving Amarillo
Takin' that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
'Cause leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face

And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
and given the chance I'd lie again

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

(discussing Cory and Topanga's breakup, and that Topanga went out with another guy the night before. Shawn has lost hope for the relationship)
Cory: "So we're the only two guys in the world who think there's still hope for Topanga and me, and you're throwing in the towel?"
Shawn: (nods) "Yeah."
Cory: "Okay, all right." (turns away)
Shawn: "You okay?"
Cory: "Yeah, sure. It's a strange feeling though."
Shawn: "What, that it's finally over between you and Topanga?"
Cory: (turns back to face Shawn) "No, being the only person who knows it's not."

9 Freakin Months!!!

Can you believe it?!?!!?  Nine months!  That is amazing!  Well, ok, so I realize that in the grand scheme of things, 9 months adds up to diddly-squat, but, I can honestly say that this nine months is a section of time I will not easily forget.  This is going to be a very emotional entry, I warn you now.  So read on...lol but it will probably be mushy and lovey-dovey...just the way I like it...

She is amazing guys.  I know I have a history for saying this about all my girlfriends, but I don't have a history of staying with them for nine months.  And there are a lot of things that are different about our relationship that is VERY different from my past ones.  First, neither one of us was looking for a relationship when we started dating.  She was just out of a very hard (and if I do say so myself a very "interesting") relationship, and I was still emotionally messed up from my ordeal with Megan.  (who by the way has forgiven me YAY!) Anyhoo...back to us.  That was the first thing, because you all know that I have a history for needing to be in a relationship, but that's not how it was with her.  We just saw that we were both attracted to each other, so we thought "what the hell, why not?"  I've now discovered that I don't "need" to be in a relationship, but I am a better person when I am.  When I'm single, all I want to do is chase girls and make out all the time.  But with her...well, I still want to make out all the time but only with her lol.

The second thing is that we talk and we are honest with each other.   I mean, if it's going to be a great relationship, you have to go into it honestly and completely...as a team.  Sure there are times when we don't want to, but then the other one sort of makes that one talk...and nine times out of ten it works.  We have a very open communication flow.  True, recently we've had some mishaps, but that's cuz we're both a little nervous about the big "C."  But we know that we can make it if we're not afraid to talk to one another.  Now, we might not always like what the other has to say, but we listen, and that's why we've made it so far.  Now this doesn't mean we don't disagree, not by a long shot!  I mean...she is still a girl...lol just kidding...well...not about that...she IS a girl...but...oh you know what I mean.  We still have our disagreements, our arguments, and yes, we even fight.  But, we don't say stupid things like "why don't we just break up" just to get on the other persons nerves or to try and "win" our fight.  it's not worth winning if you really hurt the other person in the process. 

Third, we're not out to get one another.  now this may sound strange because we're a couple so of course we're not going to be out to get one another, but think about what I just said.  when we fight, we don't always look to win if it means hurting the other person.  It's not worth it to us.  We want each other to be happy, but that's not our first priority.  First is God, obviously, but the next one is making sure that we're good people.  Neither one of us wants to change the other, except for their not-so-nice habits.  If and when we break up, we want to know that we are better people because of our relationship.  After all, if it's truly meant to be then it will be a positive relationship, not a negative one. 

And finally, one of the biggest parts of our relationship is that there are three parts to it, not just us two.  We always try to keep God in our relationship.  lol I know it sounds weird, but think about it this way.  God gave us love, it was his greatest gift to us.  So therefore, if we really want to know how to love the best, we should keep him with us so that he can help to show us how to truly love one another.  And, if WE try to love as we should, then we can't help but to spread it on to other people.  WE pray together, we go to church together, and were not afraid to talk about our faith and what we believe or don't believe in.  Now, we are still two different people, therefore we have different beliefs and ideas, but we accept that and that's one of the things we love about each other. 

Now, I'm going to share some of the things I love about this girl with all of you. (a.k.a. this is the mushy part) Ashley is an amazing person.  She isn't afraid to be herself.  She doesn't mind being goofy or loud because it's who she is.  She has this part of her where she acts like a little girl, all innocent and cute and it drives me nuts.(and I'm not talking sexually, this is a romantic thing not a pornographic thing)  Her smile is amazing, dull of happiness and love.  And the way she is with little kids blows me away.  She knows how to handle them and they all love her so much...she's going to be a great mother.  Also, she doesn't let people push her around, which I admit can be annoying sometimes cuz she can be kinda stubborn...lol but that's why I love her.  Now, I'm not naive, I know she's not perfect.  But, it's all of her imperfections that makes her perfect for me. 

In closing I just wanted to say that I am completely in love with this girl and I couldn't ave asked for a better nine months of my life.  Thank you Ashley.  And as for college?  Bring it on, we can take anything it has to dish out.  Because we're a team...nothing can stop us...

"...in good times and in bad times...until death do us part..."

This first part is the good ol' fashioned "advice"

Ever get into a fight with your sibling or parent?  Ever been right?  Isn't that a great feeling, to "win" an argument with one of them?  God, doesn't it just make you feel great?  Of course, then you go through the unhappiness that follows.  You know what I mean, the part where they get upset because you won.  Then you get upset because THEY are upset and things just go crazy.  But then you think, and that's what really kills you.  You start thinking about that stupid fight and if it really was such a big deal.  Then you realize what exactly you said and of course, you want to make it better.  So you try to talk to them, but they are not quite ready, so another fight begins.  And this just goes on and on and on.  Or, you forgive each other, but then they do that to you.  Either way, lose/lose huh? 

Then you get to be a senior in high school, graduating and going off to college.  FREEDOM! you don't have to worry about stupid fights about who has to take out the trash, because you don't HAVE to anymore, at least not at home that is...what a relief huh?  Not to listen to your brother whine about losing is stupid football game...even though...you're kinda upset cause you didn't get to SEE him lose it.  This was your first weekend without being forced to go to a stupid game.  Or finally having those Tuesday nights free and not worrying about music concerts or plays to get dragged to.  Of course, it was kinda funny watching them up there looking like a nerd singing or acting...they did really love it huh?

Wow, what happened?  This was supposed to be freedom!  This was supposed to be getting away from all the noise and stress of home...but then again...it's a little too quiet around here.  And yea, your parents yelled a lot for you to clean your room...but now you're apartment is kinda nice because if you try and let it get dirty you hear, "Clean it or you can't go out this weekend!"  And no one to bug you about their stupid report card full of A+'s and tease you cause you got a B...although...no one really looks at your report card anymore, and they certainly don't hang it up on the fridge.  NO more random tickle fights with siblings until you make each other cry you're laughing so hard...no more random hugs from family members just because...and worst of all...no more home-cooked meals.

Family sucks for a long time.  They are always getting on your nerves.  They can't stay out of your business.  They are so loud.  They never share.  But they're always there...aren't they.  Don't try and hide it by saying, "I can turn to my friends for everything."  Because, although you may love your friends with all you have, you do not have that unconditional family love.  The love that says we can fight forever, but if you're crying because of someone outside the family, the fight is over.  I know not all people have families, which is why those who do shouldn't take them for granted.  Especially those with GOOD families.  Yes, all families bicker...but at least you don't go to school the next day wearing sun glasses and a long-sleeve shirt because you "fell down the stairs" or "ran into a door"...Love your family, even when times get hard...because in the end...they still love you...

Now for the second part, the girlfriend.

Have you ever just "known" that things were right?  Like, you don't know that they're going to last forever, but you know that the could?  Isn't that amazing?  I'm not saying I'm not scared, because I am, but I'm saying that I'm willing to take the risk.  I could get hurt so bad.  I mean, she's had a rocky past, she's made mistakes...but then again...so have I.  I mean, I've made a could of rather LARGE mistakes with many a person in my day.  And yes, I have plenty of people who will testify to that.  But it's so different now...it's...ok.  For once I don't have to be perfect.  For once it's ok for me to make a mistake.  And for once, I can trust someone.  I don't have to worry about who she's with or what she's doing.  I can fully believe in my heart that she loves me and that I don't have anything to worry about.  Now does that mean I'm not gonna get jealous from time to time?  Hell no!  But it does mean that I don't have to check up on her all the time.  IT feels great to not have to worry for once about if someone really cares about me.  Just knowing that it's real...is everything.  For once...I know I'm loved.  And just knowing that SHE loves me, helps me to see that people really can love me. and THAT my friends...is the greatest gift of all.  So to Ashley I say...Thank you.

"The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom."  ~James Allen~

Ever wish you could take it all back?

Sorry, this is a personal entry, not an "advice" one.

I'm not freaking out or anything, I'm just thinking.  Some of us overreact a lot, namely...me.  I can't help it.  I try so hard, but whenever someone doesn't want tot ell me something, I automatically assume the worst or fear that they just don't trust me enough.  But the thing is, I KNOW that's not the case.  I'm not trying to make excuses, I just wish I could change.  It's who I am, I don't know why I do it, I just do.  Maybe I have trust issues.  Maybe I'm a little possessive.  Maybe I'm just messed up, I don't know.  I just wish I could breathe once in a while and figure out what's important to me.  Why do I always pick the little things to get mad over rather than the big things?  Why is it that when something big happens, I can forgive, but the little things drive me crazy?  I don't know, maybe I'm just nuts.  I just wish I wasn't like this...then maybe I wouldn't hurt her...

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."  ~Mother Theresa~

I will always have strenght if i trust in Him.  Life has it's ups and downs...I just have to remember the ups when I'm in a down.

"Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly I'm falling,
lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words, my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and 
When you say you love me,
For a moment, there's no one else alive.

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly,
For a moment in time,
Somewhere between 
The Heavens and Earth.
I'm frozen in time
Oh, when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and 
When you say you love me
For a moment there's no one else alive.

bridge:
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I 
Celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?"

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable. "
~Madeleine L'Engle~